I'm so discouraged that I can't get off this number. Even when I'm back on track I stick to where I've been. I'm stressed out because we aren't bringing in enough money to even buy the basics. I can't afford the monthly payments on the kids trips. Brad has the opportunity to sell his bike for more than I owe, but then I feel like shit because he's sacrificing something he doesn't want to sell. They aren't his kids, they're mine and therefore MY responsibility.
I want to eat and make myself feel better but I can't even eat good things because my brain is wrapped around not wanting to gain. Which is stupid because then my body will go into survival mode and make me fatter when I do eat. I'm back to calculating every single thing I put in my body. I'm taking the Metforman twice a day and can't stay off the toilet. Maybe that's a good thing. I wish I could afford a gym membership but in the grand scheme of things I might as well just light it on fire for all the good it'll do the family. My two comforts are gone. Eating and shopping. I'm so down on myself and I know I'm doing good but I can't let myself enjoy it. I'm trying to plan a birthday BBQ for Brad for Saturday and I feel like no one can show up and it's a wasted effort. I hate things just thrown together on the fly, I want order. I want specifics. I want control. Right now I have none about anything in my life and it's crushing my successes.
When days like this would come I knew they would pass. Now they've stuck for the past 2 weeks straight. Ugh. I need to just abandon the net completely for a few weeks.
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